


For I Know Not What I Do

by wizefics (bewize)



Category: The Handmaid's Tale
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-24
Updated: 2009-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-05 04:48:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/37967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bewize/pseuds/wizefics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sinner prays.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For I Know Not What I Do

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ineptshieldmaid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineptshieldmaid/gifts).



> Written as a Yuletide Treat. Thanks to my beta for checking over it for me!

Lord,

I come to You and humbly ask You for peace as I submit to Your will. I pray that You will take away my sinful nature, so that Your commands become more important than my desires. Above all, I pray that Your will be done.

But, Lord, if you would turn favorable eyes to your servant, I beg you to give me a child. I would raise him or her to be your obedient servant. It is Your command that we populate the earth as stars in the sky, Lord, and I would do my part if You would but grant me clemency.

I do not know how I offended Thee. I preached Your word, oh Lord, with the fervency of a true believer. I would smite those that offend Thee and I would see them cast down and made base, as befits those who deny Your might and power.

I am afraid, Lord. I am afraid that I have offended Thee and You have turned away from me. There were times – Before – that I could feel You inside me. The television cameras would turn on and I could feel Your Spirit working through me, Your words coming from my mouth, Your ideas blazing forth so clearly that Nonbelievers turned away from the brightness and fury of Your commands.

A girl, Lord. My sin is that I want a little girl. I remember the way it was, when little girls were dressed like prostitutes. I would not dress her like that, Lord. I would dress her as would be pleasing to you. I know that it offends Thee for women to be so concerned with their appearance and I confess my own vanity. I used make up. I had a hairdresser. I cared about my appearance when I preached Your word and I know that it is a sin.

I repent, Lord. On my knees, I beg of Thee to forgive me. I would confess my sins to my daughter, so that she would know Your might and not make the same choices as I did.

The concubine mocks me, Lord, and I accept it as my due. I see her eyes follow me and I know that she delights in taking luxuries that I cannot. Butter, Lord. The Handmaids use butter where once lotion caused our vanity. I would not do that, Lord. I would not offend Thee by being so vain as to use butter to ease my skin and the cracks on my elbows and feet are surely just punishment for my sins, for my conceit.

I will undergo any punishment that you see fit, Lord. But I beg of Thee…

Please do not deny me a child.

I blasphemed, Lord. I dared to question my husband and suggested that the inability to conceive lay with him and not me. It was a sin, Lord. It is a sin to question my husband and it is the Devil's work and the ways of Before that led to me to even consider that. If You wished us to have a child, it would be so. He is one of Your chosen, chosen in the Garden of Eden to rule, and it is my failure to submit to him that displeased You.

Tonight is the Fertility Ceremony. I will accept my place, Lord, on the bottom, on the floor, forgotten in the eyes of my husband and the concubine. But I know that you see me, oh Lord. You see the desires of my heart and you know that I ache for a child. If You do not see fit to have me bear a child of my own, then I beg of you to allow Offred to conceive.

You know my hatred. You know my fear. You know that I cannot help but believe that the Commander prefers her to me and that is my vanity again, Lord. I can see his eyes Lord and I know that he lusts after the concubine. Her figure is pleasing and her submission is apparently complete, though I question that she believes as I believe.

She was a whore, Lord, but she can still be a tool in Your mighty hands. She can still be used in Your plan. She hates me. Sometimes, I wonder how a child can be conceived when it is surrounded by so much hatred, mine for her, hers for the Commander, the Commander's for me and my failure.

The Commander has ordered me to pray, Lord. He has ordered me to pray so that You will take away my sins and find us worthy to bring a child into the world. I have prayed Lord. For days, I have prayed. I have forgone food and sleep and I confess my sins to you Lord. I can barely move, Lord. My legs are numb, my back is bowed, my spirit is broken.

Such is my failure that I questioned today whether or not it was better Before. The Devil is working in me, Lord, and I ask that You drive him out.

My life is meaningless. I am nothing but a tool to be used as You see fit.

If You saw fit to give me a boy, Lord, I would love him. I would raise him as a Man of God and I would teach him to praise You as if his very existence was a miracle, because it would be. I would teach him to fear You, Lord, and to worship You. I would raise a Holy Man, if that were Your will.

I will put aside my own wants, Lord. I will suppress and repent for my vanity and my sins. I will give the concubine her due, Lord, if You will use her. She is a Handmaid, Lord. Her life is in Your hands.

My life is in Your hands.

I will raise her child as mine, Lord, and I will raise her child as Yours.

Have mercy on me, Lord.

Amen


End file.
